Married to the Koopa Clan
by Treacle Parcheesi
Summary: The coldest winter in centuries threatens Dark Land. Bowser has to take care of a coal shortage in his kingdom, but who will take care of the Koopalings?
1. Not Here For Tea And Cupcakes

It was early December, and in spite of all the lava surrounding Bowser's castle, it was freezing on the inside. Bowser himself had, while puffing fire on his hands to keep them warm, ordered the help to lit five times as many torches to heat the place. Unfortunately, the dim-witted Koopa Troopas had left the torches in open crates outside the overstocked and unorganized supply sheds, where they had been soaked by snow and now useless. Bowser was not at all happy with this.

Unfortunately, wet torches were the least of his problems. Kamek, his bespectacled serf had fallen ill. Roy Koopa, one of his oldest children, had pulled a prank on Kamek by poisoning the water bottle the elderly wizard drank from (to avoid being poisoned). He was currently occupying a bed at the Toad Town General Hospital, and by the looks of it, not going anywhere for a while. Bowser's personal physician, Medikoopa, couldn't do anything, so the Koopa King saw it fit to provide Kamek with the best medicine money could buy, even if it meant relying on the Mushroom Kingdom.

The Toad physician was obviously feeling awkward in the presence of Bowser. "It's very serious, Your Majesty," he said, in complete disregard of how one addresses royal Koopas.

"How serious?" Bowser growled.

"Master Kamek has stopped vomiting green slime, but he has not stabilized. He won't be on his feet until spring."

Bowser roared. It was a familiar roar; the first one he ever, well, roared. It was reserved for those times he didn't get his way. The last couple of times he had visited Kamek, the latter had been asleep, and Bowser had hoped for more improvement this time. He kicked a tub of used sponge bath water across the hall. It shattered against a painting of the Mushroom King and everyone in the vicinity was doused in feculent soap water. Of course, no one was stupid enough to object.

Kamek was sleeping when the two entered his room, but was rudely awakened by Bowser, who attempted to sit down on one of the chairs, which then collapsed under his tremendous weight.

Medikoopa was a bit more sympathetic; after all, they were old friends. He took Kamek's hand in his own two. It was as cold as ice.

"How are you feeling?"

"Well, you know," Kamek said dryly, "There's nothing like a good overdose of arsenic to remind one of one's actual age."

Medikoopa helped him sit up. "Nonsense! You don't look a day over three millennia."

Kamek turned to Bowser. "I've been meaning to congratulate you, Your Largeness. I heard the egg finally hatched. What was it, a son or a daughter?"

"A son," Bowser grumbled.

A new addition to the Koopa royal family had arrived four days earlier. Bowser was of course very proud, but on the other hand, the birth couldn't have been more inopportune. Normally the Koopalings were Kamek's responsibility, also, when Medikoopa had declared the unhatched offspring as viable, the rest of the servants at Kastle Koopa had formed a union to ensure that none of them would have to care for Bowser's little vipers. And he really could not afford a strike with the freezing weather. He would have to deal with them later.

Kamek patted the night stand to find his glasses. Medikoopa cleared his throat. "To your left, Kamek, always your left."

Bowser's patience was long gone. He pushed Medikoopa aside and dragged Kamek to his face by the IV lines. "Listen up, you old geezer. I didn't come all the way here for tea and cupcakes. Since you've been gone, all of my people have unanimously denied looking after for my kids. I need someone to do it, because I can't simply lock them up in the dungeon."

"Why not, Your Causticness?" Kamek coughed.

"Because it's freezing down there! My entire castle is freezing. The whole gang would catch pneumonia and end up next to you. I need a nanny, but nobody in the Dark Land will volunteer!"

"So, how may I help you, Your Awfulness?" Kamek was incensed through his exhaustion; leave it to Bowser to unload dirty work on people on their deathbed.

"You're gonna use your nice little bauble and find me, not a babysitter, but a nanny. A woman; a Toad woman. I know she's out there."

"I'm cold," Kamek said blankly.

"Imagine how cold you will be if you let me down," Bowser grumbled. But at least he dropped the sick one onto his bed, giving Medikoopa the opportunity to take care of him.

Before Kamek could say anything else, the door was opened and a nurse entered with the dinnertime dose. She simply told the Koopa King to hightail out of her ward.

Outside, the snow was whirling around in the cold wind. Kamek could feel the painkillers slowly working, and his eyelids were heavy. He still had time to reflect on his task though. It seemed impossible – no Toad woman could watch over Koopalings. In any case, she would have to be a real misfit…


	2. A Real Misfit

If you think the Mushroom Kingdom is the epitome of an ideal realm, without poverty or crime, you're wrong. At least in the eyes of Reishi, who had spent most of her life suffering various instances of the Miserables.

Your guess is right - Reishi was not a very fortunate Toad. From birth, she had been a loner. Her other family members were once known in Toad Town for being especially talented and attractive. Reishi was not attractive and was burdened a tart disposition and indifferent attitude which nipped every would-be relationships with other Toads in the bud. Her family found her to be the perfect scapegoat for all their own shortcomings, and put them all on her shoulders. She was called "runt", "secret shame" and worst of all, "misfit". And she put up with it, until one day, when she decided she was tired of being a black sheep, burned down her childhood home and ran away. Nobody was (mortally) injured, but everything they owned and held dear perished.

Reishi regretted what she had done and from then on, tried her best to repress her anger and be a good citizen. For instance, she gave back to the community by working with people for a "token" payment. A girl like Reishi couldn't really afford to do charity work. The salary was not enough to support her, and not "token" enough to keep the overseers from reminding her of where her loyalty should be.

"You want my loyalty?" Reishi thought as she dragged her feet to work. "You can just suck my…"

The organizer for the 23rd annual Snow Bash handed her a name tag which read "Risky".

"Miss Risky, your responsibility is to make sure nobody spikes the punch, or indulge in brown leaf or spirit water." The middle-aged Toad, Mrs. Pennybun, lady bent over to whisper: "Remember to especially consider the berry bushes."

Reishi tried to make her face smile. It felt like when you realize that what you ate was not chicken. "Thank you, Ma'am."

The hosts of the Bash had lit a big bonfire surrounded by several large hibachis, where other organizers were already preparing concessions. But Reishi was literally at the bottom of the community workers' food chain, and had to leave the pleasant fire and scent of roasted meat to pursue her duties. It didn't take long before she had to confront her first underage guests.

"As an overseer for this event, I must remind you of the rules and ask you to put out those cigarettes.

The warp pipes in Toad Town was considered to be so far away from the Dark Land and Koopas that regulating who warped to the Real World and brought home what was seen as unnecessary. Of course, this resulted in various intoxicating substances were brought back to the Mushroom Kingdom such as spirit water, or tobacco. The Mushroom King had no interest in outlawing them, in spite of all the havoc they caused.

"Bite me," the teenage Toad girl said sardonically and puffed smoke right into Reishi's face. The teen's posse giggled.

"Look, if you want ass cancer, it's really your choice. But not on our time," Reishi began and tried to confiscate the cigarettes. She was brusquely pushed to the ground by the other two.

"Take a hike, ugly!" they scoffed as she sat up and shook the snow out of her grey-spotted Toad cap. She was working on her collar when Mrs. Pennybun rushed over to her. "What are you doing? Get back to work!"

It didn't go so well on the other side of the Mushroom Park either. Some Toad boys in their late teens had found out where the fireworks were hidden, and taken some behind the bouncy mushrooms to light them. Reishi had almost caught up with them when the stolen fireworks launched to the sky. She was of course, reprimanded and blamed by Mrs. Pennybun for this, while the teens were snickering at her.

But the real capper to the event was the punch bowl. Reishi's hands were frozen, so she risked interrupting her patrol to heat them by the fire. The smell of fried chicken and vegetables made her stomach growl. As she stood there, partially bathed in the light and heat of the bonfire, she could hear raunchy laughter around the concession table.

It was an ever bigger group of teens, including the firework boys and tobacco girls. They chased a bunch of tiny, terrified Toads away from the refreshment table. "Bug off, you little freaks!"

The little Toads dropped their uncooked S'mores and were pelted with hot wings as they fled the scene. Reishi had now gone from angry to furious. She realized that the group was too big for her to disband on her own, but right now, everyone else, including Mrs. Pennybun were gathered around the biggest gazebo where a local band was performing.

One of the teens was clutching a 36-ounce bottle of something that was definitely not tap water, and opened it over the nearly empty punch bowl.

"Hey!" Reishi exclaimed. "Cut that out!"

She was completely ignored and the bottle emptied into the bowl. She was so pissed she disregarded the fact that they were smashed, outnumbered her and couldn't care less about the people who got in their way. She grabbed the bowl and prepared to pour its contents into the snow.

"Give that back!" the leader of them barked.

"This stuff is not allowed here!" Reishi retorted. "You kids are ruining it for everybody!"

"No, you are! We're bringing some fun into this snooze fest!"

"Not on my watch, you are! You're just lucky I don't call the cops on you."

The Toad kids decided to call Reishi names as they scuffled to retrieve their sauce-laden punch. She was so infuriated the bowl she held was cracking; that's how hard she was clutching it. But one name stood out among the others, and it was the final straw for the mousy Toad girl. In a fit of rage, she hurled the punch bowl into the biggest hibachi.

The punch was, of course, spiked enough to be flammable. The whole thing exploded, and spirit water was spewed over to the other hibachis.

Reishi had no other choice than to stand there in the midst of the chaos she was only partially responsible for, as the band stopped playing, and everybody turned around with expressions chiseled in stone.

Mrs. Pennybun was the first to say anything. "What did you do?"

Reishi tried to defend herself. "They put spirit water-"

"Quiet!" the heavy-set organizer was all but spitting fireballs like a female, PMS-ridden Koopa. "You have ruined everything. I never should have allowed you into my group. You are a complete misfit!"

The word hit Reishi like a sledge bro hammer. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Her solution was to take off from the Snow Bash and disappear into the dark.

It was really cold out, but going back to Pennybun to ask for her last paycheck was not an option for her. Even though she couldn't afford the weekly-rate apartment she rented. She decided to spend the night in one of the abandoned houses on Ink Cap Lane. The largest one, belonging to the deceased Madam Himematsu, had been condemned for years and boarded up, but Reishi had spent so many nights there, she had made her own secret entrance.

Reishi made sure no lawmen were on patrol as she snuck in the gate to the Himematsu Mansion. Nobody would bother her there, as the house was allegedly haunted by the plump young widow and her little toy poodle. The only room not infested with Boos was the drawing room, so Reishi made one of the chairs as a bed and fell asleep instantly.

No more "token salaries" for Reishi Linh. From the next day on it would be her way or the highway.


	3. Bathe Her And Bring Her To Me

The Koopa Troopas had finally succeeded in lighting a decent fire, but it would be hours before the throne room were adequately heated, forget the entire castle.

Bowser sat on his throne, shivering under a blanket with a hot water bottle strapped to his head. "Why is this taking so long? I want that nanny found and brought to me yesterday!"

The Koopalings were toddling around the fireplace, and out of nowhere, Iggy Koopa grabbed his furious baby sister Wendy by the ribbon and thrashed her around while giggling like a maniac. Bowser hurried over to separate them. "Iggy, stop that, or so help me God, I'll have you tied up in the insane asylum!"

"Oh, not again!" Iggy said sourly and sat down with "spite" written across his face.

"May I ask you something, Your Scabbiness?" Medikoopa sat on the step of King Koopa's dais and sipped nettle tea. "Of all the Koopa females you could have snatched that won't be missed, why a Toad woman?"

"There's just something about strong Toad women," he subtly replied. "So I want a Mushroom Retainer to take care of my kids."

Bowser didn't have a concrete answer to that question. He took a moment to reminisce about his children's mothers. They had both been strong women, but they all had their reasons for leaving. His first wife was a classy Koopa, but she had no intention of keep playing house when Ludwig announced himself. Bowser was infuriated when she tried to escape with their unhatched son, and her fate was sealed. His second marriage was the happiest time of his life. He had dodged a bullet by marrying a pretty cabaret performer instead of the match his grandmother had put him up with when he was born. His new wife was docile and sweet, while he was cantankerous and indulged, and in time, almost as evil and brutish as his fully adult self. Together they had six Koopalings, who she both disciplined and spoiled, depending on their behavior, although often let them get away with murder. Literally. She died still carrying the sixth Koopaling, but Bowser cherished the memories. For instance, he remembered how Iggy was conceived. The couple tried to evade their royal duties by hiding in the library. His wife held herself up by the shelves in the bookcase, leg-locked Bowser by his hips and gave him a mind-blowing…

"Let's keep this holy now, shall we?" Medikoopa said dryly, as if reading Bowser's mind.

"What?" The king snapped out of his daydream.

"Whatever Your Grimness' reasons are, make sure to research that special person's background. Mushroom Retainers, especially the female ones, are low-risk and will most certainly be searched for. It will not pay in this case."

"I don't get it," Bowser retorted. He hated it when people were smarter than him; which happened ten times a day.

"Then let me put in perspective for you. You don't win a kingdom by abducting their leader! You feed on the minds of the weak, and make them turn against their sovereign. You make a vulnerable Toad girl feel that she has nothing to gain by being loyal."

Bowser gave it a thought. "But she would have nothing to lose, either. And her loyalty to me?"

"Trust me, o despicable one," Magikoopa reduced a weevil to dust between his ruthless molars. "She'll have her heart on her sleeve and _your_ leverage will be _her_ will to survive. Which she'll only do…"

"…If she takes care of my kids." The Koopa King felt more uplifted than he had been for weeks.

"Look at me, daddykins!" Lemmy came, elegantly tripping on the circus ball he got for his fourth birthday. "I can do it now - ouuff!"

The child was knocked over by a Magikoopa flying in on his broom. "Your Depravedness, I have news from Master Kamek. He needs to see you immediately."

"About damned time!" Bowser grumped. "You there, get the kids up to the nursery immediately," he said to the hammer bro who came with the Koopa King's coat. "And get your hands on more dry firewood; I'm freezing my Bob-Ombs off here."

* * *

><p>The green spots on Kamek's face had changed to violet, and his runny nose hadn't improved. But he was awake, at least. The moment the nurse had exited the room, Kamek conjured his crystal ball from behind his pillow.<p>

"Look, Your Loathsomeness," he put his claw on the orb. "I found this while searching for some light entertainment."

The insufferable kids, the exploding hibachi, the Mushroom King being showered with burnt popcorn – it was like some detestably sweet dream.

"I dug a little," Kamek waved his hand at the crystal ball. "Though I never suspected anything _but_ arson when the Linh – estate perished."

Bowser was unpromisingly calm for two seconds. Then he smiled. It was not at all pleasant to look at. "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Shall I bring her to you, horrid one?" Kamek tucked the orb away.

"Oh, no!" Bowser exclaimed, still donning the slightly manic smile. "What kind of super villain would I be if I didn't have her _bathed_ first?"

It was a miserable morning; cold and bright in a harsh way. But if one had ever tried one day in Reishi Linh's shoes, they'd be happy just waking up under a roof.

The very first thing to happen to her the very last time she ever saw the Mushroom Kingdom, was being poked by a patrolling Toad officer's nightstick.

"Rise and shine," the officer barked. Reishi sat up and looked him right in the face. She wondered how someone could make their Toad Cap so... shrill.

He turned to his partner, a dour-looking female Toad. "Is this the first offense?"

"No," she replied. "Miss Reishi has been charged with vagrancy twice this year."

The officer put Reishi in plastic cuffs. "Young lady, there are laws against being homeless in the Mushroom Kingdom. If you can't provide residence, the Town Council has options available for."

Reishi scoffed. "You mean Shelter for Lost Toads? I'd rather live in a box."

The officer grabbed her by the cuffs and dragged her out of the house while his assistant was prepared with the mace. "For insubordinate Toads, like you, Miss, there is also the prison."

The tank of the police truck was already occupied by one who had obviously been through this so many times he didn't even bother to stay awake through the experience and just napped in the corner.

Reishi sifted through her shoulder bag with her bundled hands and pouted. They didn't even bring her compact either. After driving for a while, she was actually looking forward to a heated cell and breakfast. The last time she spent a day in the penitentiary, she had seafood omelet, ironically, the last time she ate omelet at all.

When the truck left the city and entered the highway, the other captive brushed off the coat covering his face. She realized he was not a Toad at all, but a Magikoopa with a tube in his face.

"Finally," he cackled. Reishi didn't have time to scream before seeing the colorful, sparkling lights, and everything turning black.


	4. Kindness Is Wasted On The Kind

When Reishi was roused, she sat up in the midst of a masculine, yet luxuriously decorated room. She felt fresher than she had for a very long time, and realized she had been washed. The best part, however, was the sandwiches and berry cider on the nightstand.

"I know," she said blissfully. "I've died and come to heaven."

Then she saw the gang of Magikoopas. Their faces were like stone.

Reishi tried to swallow, but her throat was as dry as unsweetened bran. "I guess I've come somewhere else."

The magi cleared her throat. "The king has requested to see you."

"Who?" Reishi leapt off the bed and backed against the wall.

But they didn't have to answer her. She could see Bowser's emblem on a banner over the bed. She stared at it for two seconds, and then all of the blood left her brain (as did her common sense). The Toad made a heel turn for the hallway and ran.

That was not a good idea. She didn't get very far before realizing what a dangerous place Kastle Koopa was. It was large, out of bare mountain – and worst of all; cold, very cold. Reishi hid in a dark alcove under a portrait of a middle-aged Koopa woman; the kind of woman that could sentence you to sit in a corner for six days. She could see brooms and feet rush past the niche. She was about to think of what to do next, when she felt a tingling on her shoulder.

She looked down, and her eyes widened in nothing but pure terror. A big Spiny was perched on her shoulder. It raised its head. "What's up, Doc?"

What kept her from screaming is a mystery to this day. However, when a Magikoopa peeked in and looked her right in the eye.

"Do not run," the Koopa snarled. Reishi had no intentions of abiding by that order, and sprinted further down the hall before reaching a dead end.

"She's down there," a hammer bro pointed in Reishi's direction. She yelped and realized that the only way out was up. She grabbed several old coat of arms and banners in the process. Blasts of multi-colored magic barely missed her, but scorched the banners. One of them tore off completely, and positively terrified, she could now feel the weight of her body pulling and pulling… "I'm falling, I'm falling, I'm falling!" she was yelling on the inside.

"What the hell do you want from me?" she shouted as the Magikoopas clawed around her ankles. She safely took a seat on a rafter – thirty seven yards up from the floor and could her them cackle below. Their voices were earsplitting; like bayonet saws.

"We have our orders," one of them rejoinder. "Now you have yours."

He tried to grab her hand, but the attempt only ended in Reishi losing her balance. She fell, back first, towards a granite floor of death, but was saved in time by two others on their brooms and brought down safely.

Three Hammer Bros were readily seized her.

"I have the right to know where you're taking me," Reishi protested.

The captors grinned. "You will have the honor or meeting King Bowser, the one and only."

"What? What did I do?"

"Silence!" the Magi behind her screeched.

The double doors to Bowser's throne room were opened. As she was hauled inside, Reishi honestly believed she had come to hell; as she was not only going to meet the most feared creature in the universe, but do so wearing nothing but a slip.

The Magikoopas bowed before the terrifying Koopa King. Reishi couldn't, or didn't want to. That resulted in a sharp push in her back. "You _will_ bow before the King of Koopas," one of them snarled.

She could feel the panic build up in her chest again as Bowser stepped down from the podium. Four potent magic scepters and assorted spears that split flesh on a daily basis separated her from the way out. And the guards could see it in her eyes – why dare the chance?

Bowser tried to smile. He had never smiled to a Toad unless it was two seconds before the latter was killed in a gruesome way. "Welcome to the Dark Land."

Reishi's tongue felt like a lump of dry pizza crust. "I, uh, I…" she tried to back against the wall, but was pushed forwards again.

"No need," Bowser said nonchalantly in the general direction of his minions. "Leave us."

The Toad girl felt a tiny flicker of her old arrogance return. "What do you want from me?"

The Koopa King stood before the window and sighed audibly. "You know what they say about children, Toad girl?"

She frowned. "E… Excuse me?"

"They're a blessing," Bowser continued as if nobody else were there. "I've been very fortunate in my life. Recently, my number of blessings turned to seven."

She frowned some more. "So, well done, I suppose."

Bowser turned around so she could see his face properly. He had a juicy shiner around his left eye; courtesy of Morton Koopa Jr.

It was only a matter of time before the children would direct their jealousy toward their baby brother, who still didn't have any other names besides Frog Fish, again, from Morton.

She wasn't done talking. "Why did you take me all this way, if you're just going to kill me?"

Bowser raised an eyebrow. "Who said I was going to kill you? Not by a long shot, girls such as you are so very useful in _other_ ways."

"What?" Reishi was taken aback with revolt.

"I have brought you here so that you can take care of my darling detestable kids," King Koopa announced as if it would make her day.

Silence. Then –

"Sure you don't wanna kill me?" Reishi squinted hysterically.

"Absolutely." Bowser was very pleased with his social skills all of a sudden, until he noticed the newcomer trying to make a dash for the door. He didn't even bother to call the guards, but got up and grabbed her. His thumbs and index fingers fit perfectly around her waist, but Reishi didn't like people taking liberties. She didn't like being touched in any way; that's why she bit Bowser's knuckle. He roared; she was a better biter than the Koopalings.

Bowser was not used to negotiations, and he had never dealt with a woman who was not afraid of him. Normally, he would have just grabbed her and shaken her until she obeyed, or was paralyzed. He entered Stage Two, as Kamek had instructed. Bowser really hoped it had been the old wizard and not the morphine talking. He licked his wounds carefully.

"What… Can I do for you?"

"You can let me leave," Reishi's eyes sparkled irately.

It worked! The old kook's idea worked. No, no, wait; now it was Bowser's _own_ idea… "And how long do think you'll make it when you return to Toad Town? How long before you end up in prison, or a foster home?"

"How…"

"I know everything about everyone who enters my kingdom, Toad girl. For instance, I know you burned your parents' house down."

Reishi pouted singularly, and her eyes were glistening. "But I didn't mean it."

"_I_ think it's completely understandable." Bowser crossed his legs casually. "Everyone deserves to have fun. But if you insist, I'll set you free, you know, and leave you to starve or freeze to death in the Mushroom Kingdom."

His eyes were shifty. "I also know everything about loneliness."

She hadn't anticipated that one. Her lips quivered, her eyes were angry. Then –

"It reduces you," she said, and her voice was full of the anger she had repressed for so many years.

"It really does, huh?" Bowser sat up. "That's why my offer should appeal to you. I can give you anything you want, and in my realm, you will always be among people who understand and appreciate you. The only thing I want in return is for you to look after my _darling_ little Koopalings. I just know you'll adore them just as much as I do."

Reishi wiped her tears with the back of her hand. "I'll… do it."

And, at last; Bowser's coup de grace: "Thank you so much, Reishi."

A pair of Hammer Bros escorted the Toad girl up many, many stairs. She passed many different foes along the way, but they didn't frighten her anymore. The last staircase was different; it was warmer, and someone was playing on a virginal.

"This is your new home," one of the Hammer Bros said. "Enjoy."

The door to the Koopaling nursery was opened for her and she was quickly shoved in. The nursery was, by Koopa standards, a comfortable and inviting room; full of all toys imaginable and with over decorated furniture Bowser-style. There was a window which stained glass depicted an angel with bat wings. She leisurely went over to it, opened it, and looked down on a foggy nothing. _"What will I hit if I jump, I wonder?"_ She thought. _Lava? A lightning rod? Snow?"_ she put her foot on the windowsill. "_Let's see_…"

She was pulled back in by a pair of strong, dark arms. Their owner had vicious eyes and a star birthmark on his face. "Are you my _mommy_?"

Reishi screamed and passed out.


	5. Rot And Assimilate

The Koopa girl with the cheesy, pink bow looked down on the newcomer. "Why won't she wake up? I'm hungry!" Her entire face puckered up. "I want dinner, I want a story!"

"Me too, sis," The Koopa boy with the even cheesier cat-eyed glasses replied with his offensive Brooklyn drawl. He poked the Toad nanny with a stick.

Reishi's head was like a giant lump of pure pain. The children backed away, and she sat up on her arms.

"My head is positively pounding. I…"

The male Koopaling wearing the retro cat-eye glasses and pink shell held a glass of water before her.

"Thanks…" She started, but as she reached for it, the water was withheld.

"My services ain't cheap," Roy Koopa said matter-of-factly. Reishi searched around in her Toad cap and reached the spoiled prince her last dimes.

The cold water worked like a charm and washed the pain away, and as it vanished, she became aware of another sensation. She was warm, for the first time in months. She was dressed in a moss green dress, lined with what appeared to be stoat. In spite of its obvious luxury it was very visibly marked with Bowser's emblem; embroidered on the chest. Reishi couldn't _believe_ they had confiscated her shoes. Luckily, the Chain Chomp that replaced them was sleeping. She rushed to the window as the Koopalings seemed too shy to hinder her. The courtyard surrounding the castle was crawling with different Koopas, and she waved at them.

"Hey! I need help!" she called over and over, a little louder each time. Nobody looked up; they were used to captives screaming. But she didn't give up; she kept crying for help until someone tugged at her arm.

It was little Lemmy on his circus ball. "Don't do that," he said. His voice was raspy, but had a hint of cuteness in it. "Daddy says that if we don't use our indoor voices, we'll wake up Angler Face."

"Sorry." Reishi tried not to look at him. He was just too creepy.

"A simple Chain Chomp won't keep her from running away, you know," Wendy O. said and crossed her arms.

"I know." Roy was pensive for a little while. "But I've got a better idea."

The Koopalings were too young for separate bedrooms. Instead, they slept in scary-looking carved stone cots which were set up against the wall with the slanted ceiling. The infant slept in a bassinet, on sturdy, wrought iron legs; out of reach of small envious hands. Reishi wasn't really all that keen on knowing why there were ten beds and only five children.

Roy went over to one which was placed in a pen of barbed wire, and dragged a sleeping sibling over the guard rail. The child was shaken violently.

"Look, bro," Roy twisted his brother's head in Reishi's direction. "That one _cannot_ escape. I would have charmed her myself, but King Dad banned me from doin' magic stuff."

Iggy Koopa was a child only a mother could love. Despite his energy level, he rarely ate and only fell asleep if his brothers bonked him over the head with a pool cue. His eyes were pure madness and not helped by the very thick glasses he had to wear. The spikes on his shell were tipped with rubber safety points; a keepsake from his (most recent) stay at the asylum.

"Alright then, brother dear, I know what should be done!" Iggy's voice was laden with insane laughter. He pulled a wand he had stolen from a dead Magikoopa's tomb. "King Dad _did_ promise me a Toad of my very own to experiment on!"

He seized the Toad girl's hands in a strong grapple and conjured a purple cloud around them. When she looked down, she was also donning spiked cuffs. She tried to tear them off, but Iggy stepped forward and growled in a manner she could only describe as possessive.

"_Bling_'ll keep from runnin'?"

"If she runs, she'll turn into a monster, like Boom Boom." Iggy was referring to the son of his mother's cousin, who used to guard them as eggs.

"Decent work, bro." Roy actually smiled. "She'll be our mommy forever."

While they rejoiced, Reishi suddenly felt something inside of her snapping like a twig. She retreated to the corner, where she spent an unknown amount of time plucking on her new bijoux. The problem was, however, that fingernails can't really cut through metal. When she finally gave up, it seemed as if her hearing returned. She was able to see, too, but in a different way – Kastle Koopa was no longer a dreary place, but vivid and colorful. The situation however, needed a stern talking to. Lemmy played a blaring darkwave record, which Ludwig Von Koopa was jamming to on a virginal. Ludwig was entering puberty in all its mood-swing ridden glory. The baby was crying, or something; it didn't sound worldly. Wendy and Morton were fighting over the last chocolate covered cockroach snack, and Roy was giving Iggy a massive swirly, to which the latter objected violently.

"No, Roy; you're gonna get water down my shell again!"

"Take it like a man, Iggy; you're messin' up the food chain!" Roy grunted angrily and dunked his brother's head in the toilet bowl. His victim replied with a furious gurgling form underneath the toilet surface.

"You're a dweeb, Morton! I hope you die!" Wendy licked her finger and put it in Morton's ear. He yelped in disgust. "You're a cheap slag, and you'll be even cheaper in the future!"

"I hate you!"

"Retard!"

"Pinhead!"

"Dumbass!"

"Butt munch!"

"Stupid turd!"

"STOP IT!"

Reishi was up on her feet and standing in the middle of the room. She clenched her fist, and then separated all the fighting children.

"If I ever see you fighting again I will lock you all in the dungeon till Koopdom come!" She thrust her finger at the messy floor. "Before anyone gets any dinner, I want this cleaned up! And keep your traps shut!"

"We're on it, ma'am," Roy said in a silver-tongued attempt at good manners."No need for the dungeon _here_."

When the clutter was cleared, the Koopalings took turns being looked after. Reishi rubbed the water out of Iggy's mohawk with a towel, straightened Wendy's bow, combed Ludwig's hair and wiped a smudge off Roy's sunglasses. When all of them looked presentable, it was dinner time. According to the checklist found in the cabinet, Kamek had fed each of them a concoction of raw, pureed beef mixed with moonshine four times a day, to aid their bodies in creating fireballs. And it worked; after they had finished their meal, they were responsive and calm. No time to enjoy it though – the baby's bottle was empty. The same could not be said for his diaper.

Before she could sit, she had to bathe him, put on clean jammies and comb weevils out of his spiky, cyan hair. And when she could finally sink down in her armchair; ready to croak, Lemmy jumped up into her lap, happy as a clam. He presented his favorite book; _Stories for Mean Little Koopas_. It was strange how someone whose pupils stared in opposite directions could be so focused. "Read to me, I'm bored."

The rest of Bowser's offspring were already seated in their small, but stately armchairs around Reishi. The infant protested against being alone in the bassinet, so she had to balance him on her lap next to the older and insanely jealous brother, while reading from her knees. Accompanied by Ludwig's appalling 'symphonies', Reishi read them Lemmy's favorite story; where a young newlywed lady woke up, and found her husband dead beside her. The grief caused her to lapse into complete madness, as she refused to leave his side, even when he became grey and smelly. When the story was finished, both of the children on her lap were sleeping. She gingerly removed Lemmy's thumb from his mouth.

"Bedtime, Koopalings," she said caringly. Roy and Morton even helped her securing Iggy to his pen. The infant needed the most attention, so she saved him for last. He was teething rather late for a blue-blood Koopa.

"Why don't you have a name, little one?" Reishi let him grab her finger and nibble on it. "Wonder what is taking Dad so long. You wanna know a secret, you sweet little tin of rotten Spam? I've always dreamed that if I ever had a little boy, I'd call him Larry. A sweet name for a sweet child."

"Reishi?" Wendy lifted her head up from her pillow. "Why aren't you married?"

The Toad girl closed the bassinet's red velvet curtains. "Love is for the beautiful; life is for the living, cutie pie. Go back to sleep now."

When they were all sleeping, Reishi curled up in the nursing chair and hid her head under the blanket, as she always did.

Somewhere out there a bell was tolling; it's sound being mellowed by the heavy blanket of snow. It was Christmas Eve, after all.


End file.
